Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I broke off a long-standing relationship this weekend. As a matter of fact, it was a relationship of about nine or ten years. Neither one of us can remember exactly how long. Like so many relationships, we've had ups and downs, times of intense committment, times when we just co-existed together. Of late, the relationship had been strained, painful, and often frustrating. Still, leaving my church was hard to do.

Yes, I'm talking about a relationship with a church, not a boyfriend or companion. But I believe as the Bible teaches that churches are the visible representation of the Body of Christ on earth. And as such, I found the most intimate, caring and important relationships of my life at what is now my former church. There are people there who know me better than my family. There are relationships there that cannot possibly match any other friendships I've ever had. As I left Sunday, I thought about all that I'm leaving behind and it makes me incredibly sad. There are so many people I haven't told, haven't talked to yet, and it just seems wrong that I will simply slip away, until it's been a month or two and people wonder where I've gone, but may never reach out to find out. Churches are funny that way. The relationships can be so intense and honest and yet so... polite. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't hear from many that I've considered close friends, if only because they don't want to pry into what is an intensely personal decision.

You may be wondering why I'm leaving if my church is such a place of close relationships. I guess the short answer is that they aren't enough. I know I need to be in a church in which I am spiritually fed (non-Christianese version: where I'm learning more about my faith and the Bible). I also need to be in a church where I can serve. Until recently, I could serve at a high level in my church. Unfortunately, for various reasons, that has changed for me. And I truly can't think of having a long-term relationship with a church in which I sit back and am a spectator. I don't think that's the way it's supposed to go.

So, I start the process now. Auditions, I guess. You go to a church, check out its music, service, liturgy, message. Do I feel comfortable? Too comfortable? Welcomed without being pressured? Worshipful but still able to learn? Interested but not merely entertained? And I guess, more importantly, do I sense God's Spirit leading there? Both leading me and leading the church. To be honest, I hate church shopping. I hate not having a spiritual home. I hate getting up on a Sunday and trying to figure out where I should go and, literally, being a spectator as I try to check things out. But then I remind myself that this place, too, is part of the same Body of Christ as the place I have left. We're all supposed to be family. I hope to find a new branch that I can "hang" with soon.